I read this story on the Chicago Sun Times website about three months ago and bookmarked it, fully intending to blog about it later the same day ..of course fate had different plans, time sped past, and just now I 'rediscovered' the bookmark and am actually writing about it, so here's the story - a stunning example of ridiculous absurdity in the US justice system. Best you sit down for this one - it's phenomenal in its obtuseness.

He said, She said:

• Mr Fitzroy Barnaby said he had to swerve to avoid hitting the 14-year-old Des Plaines girl who walked in front of his car.
• She said he yelled, "Come here, little girl," before getting out of his car and grabbing her by the arm.
• He said he simply lectured her [for running out into traffic without looking].
• She said she broke free and ran, fearful of what he'd do next.

As a result of this 'altercation', Mr Barnaby is now a registered sex offender.

*stunned silence*

Yes, it's true - the Appellate Court of Illinois said the 28-year-old Evanston man must register as a sex offender. While acknowledging it might be unfair for Barnaby to suffer the stigmatization of being labeled a sex offender when his crime was not sexually motivated, the court said his actions are the type that are "often a precursor" to a child being abducted or molested.

"Unfair"?!? Well there's the understatement of the year! "His actions are the type that are often a precursor to a child being abducted or molested"? Give me a freaking break! I'd confidently say that 99.9% of adults out there who have had to deal with children on a regular basis have had to, at some stage, hold the child by the arm or shoulders and look them in the eye and give them a stern reprimand for doing something very stupid in order for the seriousness of their actions to sink in. How the hell do you think they learn things like how important it is not to cross the road without looking? So are they ALL sex offenders too? Of course not, unless they happen to end up in court over it.

But wait, we're not done yet. The court system considered being even more stupid:

Though Barnaby was acquitted of attempted kidnapping and child abduction charges stemming from the November 2002 incident, he was convicted of unlawful restraint of a minor -- which is a sex offense.

OMFG can you believe that? Attempted kidnapping and child abduction charges? Holy crap are they completely insane? As a result of the sex offender conviction, Mr Barnaby will have to tell local police where he lives and won't be able to live near a park or school. His picture will be published on the internet and all his neighbors notified that they have a sex offender living in the area. Of course in the interests of privacy, the authorities won't advise the neighborhood what he actually did to deserve this conviction. How considerate of them.

"This is the most stupid ruling the appellate court has rendered in years," said Barnaby's Chicago attorney, Frederick Cohn. "If you see a 15-year-old beating up your 8-year-old and you grab that kid's hand to stop them and are found guilty of unlawful restraint, do you now have to register as a sex offender?"

Apparently, yes.

Cook County state's attorney spokesman Tom Stanton said Barnaby should have to register "because of the proclivity of offenders who restrain children to also commit sex acts or other crimes against them."

I see, so everyone who restrains a child for whatever reason must be a sex offender then. I'd like to know if Tom Stanton has children. If so, I can bet he's restrained them on many occasions for various reasons - be it for their own safety, to reprimand them, or just in play - I guess that makes Mr Tom Stanton a repeat sex offender and pedophile too, huh? Better lock him up and throw away the key! Seriously, let's follow their logic for a moment. Walking into a local bank is "often a precursor" to bank robbery. Having a glass of wine is "often a precursor" to drunk driving and manslaughter. Aspirin is a drug, and drugs are "often a precursor" to violent crime and murder. Yup, think we better all just stop breathing while we're at it, because rapists breathe air too, so breathing's "often a precursor" to rape. Rampant stupidity.

In the criminal case against him, Cook County Judge Patrick Morse said that "it's more likely than not" Barnaby planned only "to chastise the girl" when he grabbed her, but "I can't read his mind."

So what the hell happened to innocent until proven guilty then, you freaking nimrod? It's blatantly obvious there was no intention of anything sinister here, and if you're basing your judgment on not being able to read the accused's mind, then you have to assume he is innocent, not guilty, fool. How the hell do people like this become judges in the first place?

And now for the kicker:

Recognizing the stigma that comes with being labeled as a sex offender, the appellate court said "it is Barnaby's actions which have caused him to be stigmatized, not the courts."

You arrogant pricks - how about that stupid little girl's actions huh? She is the one who ran in front of the car - it was her actions that led to this altercation, not Mr Barnaby's. The ruling suggests premeditation - which it most certainly wasn't. Damn how stupid can you get? No wonder people skip bail before getting a hearing - who can blame them when they see stories like this happening in the courts? Hell, I doubt I'd want to stick around and trust the justice system if I was being taken to court for something I didn't do.

The only victim here is Mr Barnaby, and I hope he successfully appeals and then sues the crap out of the justice system for this obvious miscarriage of justice. Unfortunately if that were to happen, it would be the taxpayers who ultimately end up paying for the stupidity of the court. I think it would be more effective if the judge and prosecution were heavily fined in a case like this - might make them actually use their brains for a change when making rulings in the future - accountability can make a world of difference.

The moral in all this? Well, in Mr Barnaby's case, he'll know better next time - just run her the f*ck over, and after that, heck, he could press charges against the girl - I'm not joking either.

Did you know that if you see someone being attacked and you intervene to save the victim, you can end up in jail on assault charges against the attacker, since they did not attack you. It's true. Ridiculous - that just encourages criminal activity and discourages social responsibility. Explains a lot really.